While I watched tv and simultaneously fed my 6-month-old son, my phone rang. It was my husband. I looked at the phone for a few seconds contemplating whether I should answer since I was standing firm on not wanting any communication with him, unless it had to do with our son.
My husband and I had been separated for six months. A long, six months! There was a lot of hurt and anger built up, but we had one common goal, our son. Yet as I looked at the phone something told me, answer. The conversation was awkward at first. We talked all the time about Abel and were cordial with pick-up and drop-offs, but this conversation was different. And while everything inside of me wanted to hang up, hearing his voice on this specific call melted me. We talked for roughly 4 hours. I felt as if we were dating again yet had already been married for two years. We laughed and joked with no hesitation, and when the time came to hang up, it was hard. For those 4 hours, I felt as if my world was whole again, and hanging up reminded me of the reality that he lived there, and I lived here.
But that conversation. That conversation was separate from all the others, and as I put Abel down for the night, I could not help but get on my knees and let my heart cry out.
I was battling within myself. Should I have answered that call? Did I mess up? God, Help!
I was restless. It was 2:30 am, and I could not help but send my husband a message asking if he was up. He called me right away. We spoke for a few minutes before he asked the question I waited to hear for months, “Can I come home?”
My Heart! My heart was pounding out of my chest. God Promised, and God delivered. But oh, how my mind quickly reminded me of all we had been through.
I said yes.
When we hung up, I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I had prayed, cried, begged God for this. I spent countless nights pounding on the gates of Heaven, hoping God would hear me, all for this moment. I knew it was going to be difficult. Six months was a long time to be away from each other. We were different people. Six months allowed me to realize that without God, I was nothing. It allowed me to realize that I had placed my husband on the throne of my heart which was God’s seat. And while six months helped me prepare for this time, the what-ifs flooded my mind. Although I was so happy, I could not help but feel overwhelmed.
It was restoration time, and the number one thing we had to work on was complete forgiveness. I did not want us to just say it, I wanted us to live it. It was knowing that bringing up the past would not benefit us. It was allotting room for one another to be human. It meant giving God our hearts to heal.
So, we took it day by day. There were good days and bad days, but every day I was on my knees, every day I sought the Lord's guidance. And when it would get bad mentally and emotionally, I was prostrated in His presence. It was the only place that would give me strength.
The separation of my marriage was one of the most painful storms I ever endured. But now, I realize that in that test came my testimony. My story of victory!
Reflective Reading
Forgiveness is hard. Very Hard! You are being asked to let go of the hurt, anger, and betrayal. Yet, many do not understand that forgiving the person or the offense does not benefit anyone but you.
The bible says we must forgive each other seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22), meaning unconditional forgiveness. And while it might be one of the hardest things to do, Matthew 6:14-15 states if you do not forgive, God will not forgive you.
This is a glimpse of my story. I hope you stick around for the entire journey!
-Eliana
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